Find The Happy Memories
by Cevvie
Summary: Adrea Cousland struggles with her memories as she thinks about the people she's lost.


Many thanks to Herebedragons66 for the title.

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Adrea sat in the Warden-Commander office starting down at the letter from her brother Fergus. He was doing fine and talking about the refurbishment of Castle Cousland but Adrea couldn't read on. It was still difficult to think about that place. She had been born there and had many happy memories to call on but the massacre always fought its way to the front of her mind.

Adrea closed her eyes, pinched the bridge of her nose and wished she was back in Denerim with Alistair. If she was there she would have someone to talk to, someone to help take her mind off all of this. Leliana had talked about assisting the Chantry with an expedition to the Urn of Sacred Ashes but might still be there. The young Orlesian was a good listener and always offered advice or knew of a relevant, helpful story.

Wynne had been in Amaranthine for a while which Adrea had been thankful for however the mage had left just before the darkspawn attack. Adrea missed them all but knew the advice they would give her: find the happy memories and focus on them.

She could remember being told when she was very young that she was originally going to be named Elissa. It had been the name of one of her Mother's dearest friends and everyone had agreed that Elissa Cousland was a fine name. Her parents had been so set on the name they had even had the name embroidered on a dress, handkerchief and a blanket. Of course it hadn't happened and she had been named after Great Aunt Adrea but the name had always stuck in her mind.

It had been suggested that either Adrea or Fergus used the name for their first born daughter and Adrea had immediately decided Fergus could have it. She didn't really like the name and already had a list in her head of names for her future children.

Not that it mattered now. She and Alistair were unlikely to ever have a child. It was difficult for Grey Wardens to conceive when only one partner had the taint, with both of them it had declared impossible.

Tears pricked Adrea's eyes as she recalled her utter delight when she had discovered she was pregnant. It had not been too long after the wedding and she was still preparing to leave for Vigil's Keep. Alistair had been overjoyed and persuaded her to put off her duties as Warden Commander until after the birth.

She had managed to carry the child for only five months before the inevitable happened. That had been when she'd left for Vigil's Keep with Mhairi, barely a word spoken to Alistair and the matter never discussed with anyone.

Adrea had known he'd follow her and he did. He was her husband but also her king, thusly his greeting at the Keep had been friendly on the surface but there had been a hint of coldness in his usually friendly voice. He was hurt that she'd left without talking about their tragedy but appearances had to be kept.

After defeating the Mother Adrea had briefly returned to Denerim but things had been strained. Talking had helped a little but even now, nearly a year later, intimate relations between the royal couple had not resumed.

Adrea sighed and put the letter from Fergus into a drawer in her desk. Today was not a day for happy memories it seemed. She missed having people to turn to who could make her laugh. During the Blight Zevran and Oghren could have her in stitches with their jokes and banter. However Oghren was a different dwarf now and although he could still make her smile, his drinking had become so excessive that he spent most of his time alone.

Zevran was long gone as well. To say the Crows were unhappy with his actions would be a massive understatement. He had stayed in Denerim with Alistair for a while but after the fifth attack everyone knew what must be done. Zevran had left. Adrea didn't know where he was now; it was too dangerous for him to send word to any of his friends. However she was quietly confident she would see him again one day.

New friends had been made at Vigil's Keep but it was difficult. Adrea could be friendly but she was also their superior; three fold. She was their Arlessa, their Warden Commander and their Queen. It was hard to find the balance and she certainly couldn't confide in many people here.

She had, however, found a friend and confidant in Velanna; to their mutual surprise. The prickly elf had been and continued to be the person Adrea discussed her personal thoughts with but she wasn't really one for jokes. Velanna was always a serious person and while Adrea found their conversations helpful they also had the habit of getting a little too intense. All too often they ended up talking about philosophy or elvhen history or their own personal tragedies.

Anders had been a great source of fun but he was gone now. Here one day and missing the next. Adrea had had Stroud look into it but the Orlesian Warden had returned with disturbing news. Anders had taken the spirit of Justice into his body and had escaped to Kirkwall, of all places.

Adrea frowned. Thought of Justice were always intermingled with thoughts of Sigrun and both filled her with regret. Neither had supported her choice to aid the Architect and Adrea and Oghren had been forced to kill them both.

"Commander?" A delicate knock on her office door accompanied Velanna's voice cut short Adrea's grief filled thoughts.

Quickly wiping her eyes Adrea turned around and smiled to greet her friend. The elf raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

"What can I do for you Velanna?"

"You need to come quickly." Velanna pointed out of the door. "Nathaniel Howe has just returned, with your brother."

"Fergus?" Adrea leapt out of her chair.

"Indeed. Apparently there was an incident. It seems Nathaniel saved your brother's life."

A Howe saving a Cousland. Well, that would get people talking. Adrea couldn't help smiling.


End file.
